Online Poker

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This has been something of a mission of mine for a long time, but it's taken a long time to get there.  The Empire Poker loyalty points program doesn't let you spend anything on junky merchandise until you've earned 5000 points and become a VIP, so otherwise all those hard earned FPPs are useless.  Points are awarded in bizarre fashion, with ring game players penalised for playing too much - they number of points they get is the square root of the number of hands played in a day - whereas tournament players are rewarded for playing insane sessions - bonus points are awarded equal to the square of the number of tournament they play.

Since Party Poker took over, the number of qualifying daily tounaments has increased, and it would be possible to play over 40 tournaments in a day - thousands of bonus points! - if you were so inclined.  I'm don't quite have that stamina yet, but I'm getting there... On Sunday I'd worked out that I needed 642 points to become important, and so I played 25 tournaments - 625 bonus points, plus a few others based on the entry fees - which just pushed me into VIP territory.

5000 points should be enough for several shirts, caps, stress balls or blankets (I really wanted an Empire Poker blanket).  But now that I finally made it, the VIP store appears to have been cleaned out.  No key fobs, no playing cards, no mouse pads.  Just cash.  5000 points is $50 cash, which is not to be sneezed at, but I wanted junk!

I ended up about even.  Of course.  About $50 down in real money, but also with a seat into a $215 tournament on Friday.  In real terms, it's a profit.  Not bad at all, considering I was having to play 6 tables at a time at some points, and clearly wasn't making great decisions when some all-in gambles I wouldn't ordinarily take would have the upside of having more chips and the downside of being able to concentrate better on other tournaments.  To get that far, I'd played 13 hours non-stop and was thoroughly knackered.  Better get in training if I want to go for maximum points next time...

I also fell foul of bad karma after turning down a final table deal for the first time ever.  My stack was crippled with four left, but my chip count offer was still less than third place money, so I didn't think it was worth it.  Of course, I busted on the next hand.

So my next goal is the Royal Flush Club at 15,000 points.  This opens the door to a monthly $100 bonus with no play requirements.  It'll be worth it in the end... probably take a year or so to get there though at the rate I'm going!

Seriously, how could I refuse Neteller's kind offer of some complimentary NETPoints?  Well, probably because they're the most worthless loyalty points ever, and I'd much rather just have them pay me the amount I got stiffed on my last withdrawal.

The sky appeared to be falling in yet again for online gamblers in America when Neteller announced last month that they were pulling out of that market.  Last week, they revealed that they had $55m seized by the US Government and wouldn't be paying out to any US players.  In light of that, my beef does seem a little bit petty.

I decided that, even though in the UK we have the luxury Neteller being regulated by the FSA, that I'd be happier to see my money sitting in a proper bank than in Neteller right now.  I cashed out $3000, paid Neteller's $1 bank wire fee and then today got a text alert that a large deposit had been made to my bank.  The amount: $2887.39.  My last withdrawal was also for three grand and landed about $6 short (neither Neteller nor Citibank could explain where it had gone) and I decided it wasn't really worth taking any further.  But this time, $113 had gone walkabout.

It turns out Neteller don't operate in US Dollars any more.  Instead, they cashed me out an equivalent amount in Euro, leaving Citibank free to use whatever the hell exchange rate they felt like.  Turns out it wasn't a great rate - in fact, xe.net says the amount Netellersent works out at $3015, so it's actually about $130 that Citibank are making on the deal - a handsome price, and the very reason I have a US Dollar bank account.

Some kind of warning that this is how they had to process a dollars withdrawal might have been nice.  I'd definitely have found another way to withdraw if Euro was the only option, knowing that it was going to cost me to receive it into any account.  My best option probably would have been to deposit into PokerStars and then ask for a cheque by mail.  But if Neteller had offered to send the money in US Dollars using a reasonable exchange rate, that would work for me too.

As it stands, I'm $113 out of pocket and Neteller - so far - have basically told me tough cheese.  I don't think I should have to pay for this - after all, I asked for $3000, not EUR 2505.  They recommended I lodge an official complaint, which I've done but don't hold much hope for.  You send that by email to complaints@neteller.com, for anybody who doesn't want to have to wait forever on the phone to be told this.  In my 45 minute phone call there was nearly five minutes of real actual talking, and almost none of that was useful.

SportingBet PLC announced this week that Paradise Poker is to be made redundant, and their players be swallowed up by a SportingBet branded poker client on the Boss network.  Although I haven't played at Paradise for a while - in fact I can't actually remember the last time I did - I will always have a soft spot for it.  It's here that my screen name originated, after all.

One of Paradise's gadgets is the ability to virtually order food and drink from a menu, and then a few seconds later it appears on the side table next to your avatar.  It's a great way to create superstitions.  Maybe you do always get your aces cracked if you have food on the table.  That guy is drinking a martini, he must be bluffing.  You can't call for a new dealer or new cards try to turn things around, but you can order a new drink.

I always used to sit down and order donuts.  I felt it was lucky.  Mmmm, donuts.

Here's a sentimental old picture of me and a plate of donuts winning a huge six-way all-in with pocket 8s.  I managed to miss five overcards as well as ending up with a full house.  Lovely.  It also shows another feature of Paradise poker - the electrified cards when you hit a big hand.  Sometimes you got flames instead of electricity, too.  Features like that will be missed.

Paradise was also the online poker site that was endorsed, albeit briefly, by reigning EPT London champion Victoria Coren, although in all the photos I've found she's actually wearing PokerStars gear.  However, I don't need any more excuse than that to put a stolen photo of her here.  Mmmm, Vicky. 

In other swallowings this week, details of Harrah's takeover of Barbary Coast were announced.  An article in the Review Journal says the new name will be "Bill's Gamblin Hall and Saloon".  Clearly a typo, but I'm hoping its a missin' apostrophe, rather than a missing G.  It's named after Bill Harrah, founder of the corporation that's slowly eliminating all competition on the Las Vegas Strip, and not Bill Boyd, chairman of the corporation that bought Coast Casinos in 2004 to eliminate their competition in the locals market.

This isn't going to be a major rebranding - after all, it's must only be a matter of time before Harrah's pull it down - so I don't expect much will change apart from the dreadful new name. Mmmm, Big Elvis.